What am I doing now?

What am I doing writing in these blogs?

How rational are my sentences really. How deluded can I be and to what extent can people correct my arguments, nobody does becasue of either two things: They don't care, they believe I am correct or they want me to remain in a state of ignorance so that they assert their higher level of awareness of the workings of the universe.

But here we go, I went out for a bit of saturday night fun last night for the first time in years. I went to three parties all through the day, they were all very different from eachother. A shindig in the park with some roudy former school friends, a house party thrown by soccer nuts for a girl's 21st and then it was ouit to the city where me and two mates snuck into the club to enjoy the DJ and dancing and live musicians. Didn't drink that night but I know from experience that it doesn't help in any way in changing my experiences. But anyway I thought a solid night of adventure was it.

Anyway this was fun in the same way that I would enjoy knitting underwater. Strange and menial at the same time. It's not where you go or what you do that adds to the experience but the people you're with or the possibility of hooking up. 

I feel that this is why I don't go out often, I enjoy being around people but only for a short amount of time, say an hour. This is because I purposefully attempt not to develope any sort of relationship with anyone if I don't have to. I know that If I do I will eventually betray them and they will betray me in a way, because they or I will change into another one of our "selves" (see previous blog entrys). This would be fine if I could have a relationship with just one of their selves but what you tell that self will be known by their other selves, enemys and strangers. There is no solidity in a relationship like that. The only solid relationship that I can find happiness from is this one right here. Sifting through my thoughts in my never-ending conversation with God and the devil. In the divine creator is one self that has only love for me and you (but i don't really care about you do i?). This is the only relationship I need in my life the best that can ever be found in the universe. My feelings are proof enough to me.

Or heres food for thought. Because I am surrounded by people on a day to day basis (my family, friends, colleagues, superiors, whatever) I am mistaking the happiness I recieve from them as a result of only my intimate relationship with God. 

What the fuck do I know go to bed!~